Have you ever felt as though you just don't care anymore? About anything? Or, at least, anything important? That's where I am. This last year, with Covid and all the lock downs, I find myself caring less and less about anything, especially myself. I know, it's not good to have an ego. And I don't. At least, I don't think so. But, now that things are opening up more, I am forced into dealing with medical appointments again. And that has me thinking (and stressing) over whether or not to look into getting this damned hernia repaired and more specifically, how it could affect the future (pregnancy, other health issues). This thing prevents me from having more independence as far as being able to take care of myself with minimal assistance from my parents. It also makes my self-esteem go down the drain. I hate how I feel and how I look. I can't wear the kinds of clothes I'd like to because of my bulging abdomen and the excessive scarring. The clothes are either ill-fitting and painful, or just ugly.
I don't date, due in part, to these issues. And now would be the preferred time for me to have kids (if I am going to). My dating issues, however, started due to lack of trust in men and bad relationships (both platonic and romantic). I have met someone via the Internet but, I don't know if we'll ever meet and I don't want to settle for someone out of mere necessity.
Sorry if I am being depressing but, these issues are just a few that are wrong me down. Hopefully, my next entry will be more interesting and cheerful.
Christi J. Patton
